


tell your friends that the party is dead

by princelogical



Series: Sanders Sides Misc. Work [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, POV Second Person, Story in prose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:17:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princelogical/pseuds/princelogical
Summary: Virgil feels like an out of breath monster, constantly seeing red.





	tell your friends that the party is dead

Constant, tight anxiety is like sand in your eyes. It's five am with no sleep. It's running fingers through your hair until a puddle is at your feet. It's screaming on the inside, unmoving on the outside. Body lying across the living room couch, eyes to the ceiling, but not really there, wondering what the others would think if they found you there.

And you- you just don’t want to think anymore.

At first it’s like a game. Make sure Thomas is okay, make sure Thomas doesn’t get hurt and laugh condescendingly when he complains, because  _you know best_. Until you wake up, everyone hates you, and everything is back to a reeling red and nothing is a game anymore. When you’re not seeing red, it’s all dark and awful, just as bad as the red. Maybe worse.

It’s an overused illustration; your vision going red with panic. But really, it’s just an overused reality.

Here’s the truth: You swear up and down this is normal. Four hours with your eyes closed, anxious about everything then twenty with them open, red and bleeding. You sit across from boys, from girls, promising to everything you love that  _this is it, Thomas. I won’t hold you back anymore._ Roman is screaming that you’re lying, Logan looks rightfully skeptical, and Patton looks hopeful. You dance, you scream, sing, write, tear apart every page in every book and when you wake up it’s just

white noise.

There’s no house, no home; no dry land. You’re in an ocean and you can’t swim. You’re begging for someone to understand. You’re drowning all the time, but your only goal is to teach Thomas to swim, even though you can’t. But you… you need a net, a blanket; you need  _something_ , something more than  _anxiety_.

But it’s all you have.

Why are you always the bad guy?

~~“You’re never really any _fun_.”~~

Maybe you need love. Just a sweet somebody, who’ll grasp your hand and kiss your lips. Maybe it’ll make you forget who are, what you represent, and forget you will. But the blood on your skin will never leave, as much as you rip and scratch and scream.

What do you need? You wish you knew. Sometimes you feel like you’re wandering through a wilderness with nobody to trust or grasp on to. There are hands, ones you can hold, but they are without faces and without form. So what good do they provide? You suppose there is rest from this constant feeling of worthlessness. Somewhere. Maybe it’s fictional, maybe it’s not.

But sometimes it feels real. Because Patton will smile at you and make jokes and call you  _kiddo_  just like the rest. Logan treats you like the only sane one and that feels really nice. And on rare occasions, when the world stops spinning, when the oxygen is ripped from your body, Roman will sling and arm around you. He’ll say you make sense. He will tell you that you’re not just the bad guy.

_~~And when the world actually ends, he says he’s sorry for ever making you feel that way.~~ _

You know what? Sometimes feeling wanted is enough.  

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't the kind of stuff I usually write and I'm ngl, I'm scared it's terrible. :P


End file.
